dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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