im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
