Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
