So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize