: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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