Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
