Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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