I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
