just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
