I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
And the cops told us we were all naked.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
