I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
