I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize