she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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