I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize