Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
