I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
