just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
