The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
