I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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