Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You need Xanax blowdarts
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
