home. puking in laundry basket.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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