Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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