Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
