Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
