Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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