i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Non-Jews are for practice
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
