Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize