Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
