eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
