I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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