I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize