It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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