made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My vagina just recognized that song.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize