two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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