I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize