My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
