Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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