do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
