he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
