You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
