I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
