I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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