You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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