I wish my penis had an off switch
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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