and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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