twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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