Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
