i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
