I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I FOUND THE LEGS
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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