About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
