I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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