Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize