Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
