I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
