he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
