why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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