We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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