Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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