I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
