im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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