is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
