An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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