Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
