you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
