we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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