Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
